firstly i would like to say that i do not interpret this as a warning whatsoever. it's just an inquiry to me, perhaps one that promotes cautionary vigilance in whatever choices i decide to make going forward. a lot of the time i do not consider myself all that capable of making entirely conscious decisions for myself, i am still very much assimilated into the paranoia complex of my brain that seeks what i can't help but perceive to be some sort of self-righteousness out of living (else i would not want to relocate, and instead would just seek out a menial job where i appease my current landlord, owning up to my inactions, instead of putting him gradually in debt as a result of my hobbies, studies, doing nothing, what have you), but also this feels like conforming to some sort of normativity in my environment that i find myself deeply uncomfortable with in the social atmosphere i have lived in the past few years.

there is an intrusive part of me that cannot help but identify everyone in my immediate tangible surroundings as some sort of negative manifestation, no matter what sort of measured good faith that is extended to me in spite of my life force siphoning. a lot of people who find themselves in this situation would fall back on the term "reptilians" but i think thats a little unfair toward other entities which i'm sure are immediately obvious to you. i also cannot help but identify this in almost anyone and everyone of my past that i have subsequently burned through whether it's self-destructive manuevers that i am concrete in the belief that was my own wrongdoing, or whether it was, by my perception, inarguably actions of other people that lead me to that kind of sentiment. it makes me question if there is anywhere to go to at all that would make any sort of difference, if it's actually just an internal issue within me. my landlord told me after i expressed my intent on relocating to him (big mistake in hindsight) that "it's about you and what you put into it (my environment)", and that isn't necessarily wrong, but after long enough i do not see any sort of will in myself to nurture this place, i have tried, and at times been relatively consistent, only to be repeatedly broken down by the desiring construct of everything around me that i inherently exist outside of.

the tangible properties of this housing situation seem relatively simple in comparison to that of the kaliacc system of operation; we have a mutual friend from years ago who inherited seven figures from their grandparent and are currently being negotiated (by their other friend, whom i have never spoken nor interacted with) to house me and perhaps a sizeable number of other (presumably displaced) trans people. we are all still expected to sustain ourselves whether it be external mutual aid/support network or just an outright source of income. this is supposed to happen within in the next 3 months ideally. but i can tell in advance that this kind of structure will still cultivate some sort of chaotic unpredictable tendencies to come along with it, none of which i can necessarily predict on their own but not anything that i feel like would be that unfamiliar. eiri herself will not be involved with this environment as she is effectively banned from the US (would probably be imprisoned upon entering it). it seems like a pretty good deal to be able to just live, work on art, and do things i like and still reciprocate with an immediate environment around me, i would hope.

in relation to the properties of which you have shared with me over time, your beliefs, how you outwardly substantialize them in simpler ways rather than methodically outlined ones, compared to the directions that seem to be most immediate to me, it's hard to really leverage what path through this world would craft magic most worth enduring, for all of the magic i recognize in this timeline has been depleted, else i would not have attempted on my life a few nights ago. but i recognized an immediate solidarity with you in this book being shared with me, from the moment i processed it's cover, name, and index, to the bulk of it's material (not to mention the parts of it that i still would need a whole second reading to process adequately). i am interested in talking about it, rather listening, for i feel a lot of my reflections on it might be mostly obvious and superficial, in detail at some point, because i feel like the caving into suicidal intentions is some sort of inflection error on my end, regardless of the joy or liberation i perceive in having read it at all.

ultimately i am maybe the most vulnerable i have ever been. if anyone asked me if i were in a position to be submitted to guidance in the promise of magic, i would say yes. there is not much to be gained from my materiality, i like to think i have absolved myself of most power that would be beneficial to anyone else, whether that's fortunate or unfortunate for me or others. what disturbs me is that this vulnerability its coming out of me in the form of violence, and identifying an omnipresent rape that is happening inevitably around me that wants me to rape the world just as much as it does itself so that i can find comfort, and the only way that i can escape this is by death, whether willful or by incidental means, and i fear that it will follow me through every potential inversion of identity. the only way i have seen a way through in life for the past 10 years almost has been that of gender confirming surgery, hormones and external presentation are only secondary to it, for in this i can truly undermine the mechanisms i am subjected to and exist and love indiscriminately in this plane.