as i am 24 hours out from my relocation, i would like to express whatever formal gratitude that i can to you, despite still being scared and lost and alone and driven by hatred, it means a lot to me that you choose to support me with these means of transversing through this plane, by basic sustenance or physical travel. i feel a little indebted to communicate myself more personally to you as i do to kali, but as per the nature of our agreement i have felt inclined to be as reserved as possible, as i am not sure whether or not introducing these emotional-intellectual axises will add complications to your preexisting social construct. that's just my idea of being respectful toward someone who is trying to get me somewhere i can be happy, where ideally, happiness isn't a perverse mechanism birthed out of desire for excess (wanting more than what you have to be grateful for by default).

i could've very well stayed in this house and used these assets to further myself from within this location, but social alienation, through the growing psychotic instability of my semiotic expression, has rendered me unable to exist humanely with what would be considered average people. i am not particularly sure if i want to socially recondition myself to the means of a capital, inherently patriarchal reality, because every time i have found myself placed into it (as someone who evidently does not pass), people want things of me that are not part of my intuition, that do not feel like a part of my spiritual interests. for as long as i condition myself to this sociological environment i feel as if i am taking advantage of other people's willfully sub-unconscious desire to self-oppress, only for the sake of my own biological means, and that fills me with a disgust that i cannot comprehend ever giving into in an attempt to validate myself and my feelings. the war that man has propositioned to us since the beginning of time is everlasting, even the notion of attempting to reject war is a war in of itself, the world is falling apart and entropy is accelerating rapidly all across the celestial sphere in which our bodies reside in, and i am by no means a person that longs for any sort of stability or solidification of my fundamentals, for lack of change or want to constantly invert oneself is, to me, grow complacent, comfortable and docile in a system that only seeks to keep me alive and "the same" so that i may be understood by it and integrated into it, to serve as it's vicarious blood and rot.

going back across country to sleep on my mother's couch feels equally as uncertain as being here, but i am banking on the possibility that between arizona and california i will be able to foster the kind of connections and foundations that i want, and see through to the maintaining and upholding of them in a way that is not inherently self-deifying. it is a very difficult mission to meet the criteria of at this state in my psychosocial development, and i think it involves establishing myself as some sort of unrelenting force where my schizoanalytical judgment can be seen as a way of living that is agreeable upon, only insoforth that i do not unjustly appropriate any of my means for the sake of a power that doesn't benefit anyone else around me. i like to think i have established that i own nothing but the vessel my soul is confined to, and seek not to exercise control over anything external, only to prolong magic that exists in other people's lives through whatever means of outward expression i have left. but no matter how i assert myself and the ability absolve myself of unrightful ownership and ego, luck remains a mysterious construct that has not balanced in my favor as of late.

as for the goals i have in prolonging my health in the time that i have not found anyone in my immediate reality that i can spiritually coexist with, i want to make a doom metal album. i want to see how the amazing digital circus pans out. i want to see the evolution of straftat. i want to feel loved in a way that isn't guided by the mirage of prosperity and generation, in the name of the dominion of man, so i will remind you that everything you have done and presumably will continue to do to help me, out of love or mutual respect of a soul in a body that seeks to liberate itself by whatever means, can obviously only carry me slowly but surely into the disintegration of myself, at least corporeally, unto my grave. and for just that on it's own, i can only be eternally grateful to you, and shield you from my most endearing psychosis along the way. until then i will do my best to harness chaos in search of temporal love that coincides with spiritual reason, spanning this procedurally demystifying, dying dream we are all a part of.